I have been reading a book by Clay Clarkson called Heartfelt Discipline. I would highly recommend it, it was recommended to me by several good friends. It is a book that I started to read a while back, I just finished it last week and I want to go back and read it again. The author focuses more on the relationship between parent and child and between parent and Father God than on methods.
One thing I found interesting in the book was that Mr. Clarkson does a word study and finds that the word translated as child in the passages dealing with the “rod” is really a word that was used for adolescents, teenagers, or young adults not young children. A particular part of dicsipline that has been bothering Matt and I is spanking. This quote from the book sums up how Matt and I have been feeling about using corporal punishment: “There is a good reason that you should find it difficult to imagine Jesus raising His hand to strike a child in punishment.”
We had always been told that spanking was the way to deal with children and it seemed the only thing we knew we should be doing. Perhaps our method was wrong, the timing, the instrument used (hand vs. paddle vs. spoon etc.) or whatever, but even when we felt that the spanking was done “by the books” in our hearts we were uncomfortable. In my stubborness I continued to hang on to the idea that since this is what my parents did and it seems to be what everyone else around me is doing, then well I guess I will keep doing it even if the results are causing my conscience to squirm.
I have found that for me it is so much easier (being the lazy person I am) to decide to believe things or to do things because of something someone else has told me or exampled for me than to go to the Source. Do you want to know why? Because, I can then rely on my ability to blame that other person or source and thus take no responsibility for my own actions. It is a lot scarier to come to the Source for answers, because it means I must put all of my trust in Him. No one else will be responible for my mistakes, I will answer only to Him. So, in my frustration with my kids or my husband or my situation I find that most if not all the problem usually lies with me and my deceitfully wicked heart that tries to talk me into blaming someone or something else for my laziness.
I am not saying that there is not a lot of wonderful, insightful, parenting material out there that may be just the thing you need to help you with your children, but like several of you commented about in my last blog, we tend to look for that one perfect book, method, role model, or thing that will work, instead of realizing that each child, each family and situation is so unique that no one way will work for all, and that the One, who is the Way, holds the keys to all our hearts and our children’s. He is who we need to be studying and spending time with more than all the books, magazines, people we have put on pedestals, good intentions of friends and relatives, or whatever. The resources out there should help point us back to Him and not replace Him in our lives. Lord help us trust You more.
This is something that I am in the process of learning. As far as spanking goes, well I don’t know, but again I am searching for God’s heart in the matter and am not willing to do things just because anymore. I want to know what Jesus would do if he were the parent standing in front of my child. His mercy and love are what immediately come to my mind and the gracious way He has forgiven me and answered my cries and listened to my angry triads and held me close in his arms. Thank you, Lord, for loving me and showing me a better Way. Help me to point my children to You and to show them Your love instead of giving in to my selfish lazy frustrations.
(I know that this topic can be a hot spot for some and my intentions are not to make judgements but to try and be as honest as I can about where I am at in my life’s journey. Be blessed wherever you find yourself in your own journey and please feel free to share and make comments.)
13 comments
February 4, 2005 at 1:05 am
dennis
My spankings are always heartfelt.
February 5, 2005 at 6:17 pm
Tom
Good post, Amy. As you probably know, I am a firm believer in spanking. However, I do believe that the spankings, as we know them, are generally administered far from the place of love that can make of them a suitable redemptive consequence to very young children. There are reasons that I don’t have time to go into right now. So give me some time, and I’ll come back to this topic with a well-thought-out response.
February 5, 2005 at 9:14 pm
Amy
That would be great, Tom! Thanks.
February 6, 2005 at 1:07 pm
geo
Good Post Amy!
We spanked both of our boys while they were growing up. I honestly don’t know today if I would do it different or not? I do know that as I understand my Heavenly Father’s love more I am leaning towards no spanking. We are discovering in our lives daily what Jesus meant when He said, “It IS Finished”! And how it truly relates to everything we used to think, do and say. I pray Daddy will lead you to His answers and ways as it pertains to the discipline of your kids
Peace N Freedom
February 6, 2005 at 7:43 pm
Matt Brennecke
I think you should feel free to spank Matt whenever he needs it. ;->
Very intersting topic. We spank now, but only for on the spot behavior. If the action is discovered after the fact, I can’t see her learning from a swat. I have been thinking through some of the same issues regarding how The Father treats me and I treat my daughter. I wouldn’t want to make a hard and fast rule (imagine that), but I lean away from spanking now more than I used to.
February 7, 2005 at 6:10 am
maryann
i spanked them…not often…never out of ANGER…they are 15 and 18 now. they are alive. they are good kids. but your quote about Jesus raising his hand to swat a child…even if it was the child’s rump is a rather startling image in my brain…
February 7, 2005 at 2:39 pm
Amy
Maryann, that’s what I thought. And I think it was a nagging thought in the back of my mind for a long time. It’s funny but since I got my dog at Christmas time I have been thinking about how I more often have used negative reinforcement instead of positive reinforcement. In my dog training books they point out how important positive encouraging actions are and how much patience you need, that you should try very hard not to be negative any more than what is needed. I know my children are not dogs 🙂 but it did suggest to me that a little more positive and less negative would probably not hurt at all and that my poor children need to know that they are loved most importantly. I know for myself I respond to my heavenly Father so much more easily when I realize how much He loves me instead of trying to do things out of fear of punishment, I don’t feel that this is the way He wants to relate to us.
February 7, 2005 at 4:35 pm
Matthew Bowman
I didn’t want to post on this until some others had. Amy and I are in a similar place on this issue; I guess for me it is part of that big divide I see between how I treat my kids and how God treats me. We haven’t stopped spanking entirely at this point, and I don’t think I would ever condemn someone else who spanks if we did stop.
I wish I could say I have never disciplined while angry, Maryann, but it would be a bold-faced lie! Whatever we do with this particular issue, I regularly ask God to help me treat my kids as He treats me, knowing that only His Spirit can enable that. The root of my discomfort is not really spanking but is due to my own laziness and selfishness, along with lingering misconceptions of how God looks at me.
I do know that the old adage that we must spank our children because the Bible commands it doesn’t carry a whole lot of weight with me after the reading Amy has done. That’s not to say it’s an invalid method of discipline when carried out properly, but I think I’ve done an awful lot of things in my life only to find out that they were not backed by Biblical command as I thought!
February 7, 2005 at 9:49 pm
Molly
That poses another question. What do you believe about how the Lord deals with us as His children. About “chastisement” and such? Heb 12:6 for example?
February 8, 2005 at 12:33 am
Amy
Molly, great question! I have to admit that when I went and looked in Hebrews I read those verses and immediately was struck by the seemingly severeness of the words used. The picture in my mind was of a God with a thunderbolt in his hand ready to strike us at any time. (I’m curious, what comes to your mind when you have read this passage?) I sat down and looked up the word discipline in my big blue NAS concordance and then in my Holman Bible Dictionary and what I found was very encouraging to me. The Greek and Hebrew words used for discipline most often were translated things like: chastise, admonish, teach reproof, warning, correction, the rearing of a child, training, corrector, educated, instruct, etc. Only a few times it seems were they translated as punishment. My dictionary said that the word discipline comes from the Latin word “disco” meaning to learn or get to know, a direct kind of acquaintance with something or someone, the process by which one learns a way of life. RELATIONSHIP! It mentioned apprenticships where the master led a learner through a process (the discipline) until the learner could imitate or live like the master. The picture of discipline started in the family, it involved praise and correction, the correction being seldom physical–usually a reproof or rebuke. Probably the only word in the Hebrews passage that spoke of physical punishment was the word “scourges” in the quote from a passage in Job spoken by one of Job’s friends. This seemed to be the only time this word was used in relationship with God and man. The other scourges mostly had to do with what Jesus went through on his way to the cross, which in the context of Hebrews to me may have more to do with the shedding of blood that the writer mentioned in vs.4, perhaps pointing to Jesus and what He and others have endured for the joy set before them. Thoughts?
February 8, 2005 at 12:40 am
Matthew Bowman
Molly–Well, first of all, I don’t know that I have defined opinions on every Bible verse there is; and, second of all, that’s a very open-ended question! Here’s a quick, off-the-cuff response (always dangerous, but what the heck!)
First, the cop out answer: it’s in the Bible, so I believe it. Next question?
Second, after the great faith chapter ends, we are encouraged not to lose heart, but to run with endurance. If we suffer hardship, it is only because we are sons–God is working on us! We should never fall into condemnation, because God’s correction is rooted in love. God’s correction is proof of sonship, not proof of rejection. That’s a very important concept because it is so different from much earthly discipline.
Thirdly, God’s discipline is (I stole this from a commentary) remedial rather than punitive. That is, God’s desire is for our restoration and growth, not our destruction. He is not primarily punishing, but training. Without going into it, I think this line of thinking is very clear throughout the New Testament from Jesus’ instructions on dealing with an offending brother, to Paul’s exhortations to the Corinthians.
These things hit me hard because I know how often my response to my kids is not out of love, is not designed to train and help them, but to punish or catch them in wrongdoing. I know the Holy Spirit is working in me when I find myself looking for ways to help them succeed rather than fail.
Why is the word “scourge” in there, though? Beats me (Boy, am I punny!). This particular word is used this way only once in the New Testament. Evey other time it has to do with non-believers persecuting christians. Even the two Old Testament passages that are the closest mirrors of Heb 12:6 don’t have this word. Since I have never been literally scouraged by God (nor do I know anyone else who has), I can only assume that this is a figurative usage connected to discipline typically practiced by the Hebrews in order to make the connection to earthly fathers. Again, while I don’t think the Bible rules out corporal punishment, I think this Scripture is a pretty weak case for saying we must use it.
Did I touch on what you were asking or miss it entirely?
February 8, 2005 at 7:36 pm
Molly
Yeah Matt, I wasn’t trying to use that verse as the proof that we should spank or anything like that. Simply that Father’s discipline of us as sons and daughters, while always kind and loving, is not always pleasant. I’m not saying either way what I believe about spanking.
February 8, 2005 at 10:24 pm
MatthewB
I would agree, Molly. Amy’s response (posted while I was typing) is rather more accurate and complete than mine. See what I mean about the dangers of off-the-cuff answers to big questions? 😉